Are You Unable Or Unwilling?

Dr. John H. Sklare

In my opinion, one of the major obstacles to successful weight management is the unwillingness people have to suffer through the inescapable discomfort that precedes change. Yes – you heard me right. I said unwillingness! The real problem here is that, to most people, this unwillingness is perceived as and accepted as inability. And once you convince yourself that you can’t do something, you set the stage for failure and loose sight of your dream.

The difference between unwillingness and inability is very similar to the difference between can’t and won’t. You see, once you've convinced yourself that you can't handle the discomfort that accompanies this lifestyle change, the game is pretty much over. The reality is that you can. You just don't, won't or choose not to because it's too hard, too inconvenient or too something. Excuse my frankness here but that’s the truth. Can't is trap that robs you of power, blinds you to responsibility and steals your dream. Won't, on the other hand, puts the power and responsibility right back in your hands – exactly where it belongs.

By saying “I can’t” you give up responsibility and when you don’t accept responsibility you find yourself at the mercy of the world around you. When it comes to lifestyle change, it’s that initial period of discomfort that sends most people running back to old familiar, self-destructive behaviors. You remember that old saying – no pain, no gain? Well, in this case, it’s pretty accurate only the pain is more emotional than physical.

Change is a very difficult and emotional endeavor for most people. It’s hard work. It stretches your resistance to its very limits and tests every bit of your emotional armor. I have actually been studying this phenomenon for over 20 years now. In a program I developed called The Inner Diet, “Discomfort” is an issue I address.

Regarding healthy eating, I define discomfort as the degree of psychological uneasiness that ones feels when faced with denying themselves foods that they desire but are trying to avoid. You know what I mean. For example - You’re having lunch with a couple of friends and you order your “on program food” while your friends surround you with off plan foods and aromas that make you want to literally jump up and scream, “I want that!” Sound familiar? This discomfort feels very much like torture to a lot of people. And to most, the only way to escape this discomfort is to eat the food in question.

Obviously some people are able to handle more discomfort than others. I liken it to a phenomenon called the “pain threshold”. This simply means that some people are able to tolerate more pain than others. For example, there are some who can have a tooth filled without Novocain while there are others that start to sweat just thinking about the dentist. We all have different tolerance levels and, in weight loss, your ability to tolerate this psychological discomfort is critical to your success.

Anyway, my research with The Inner Diet demonstrates that 72% of all overweight people have a serious problem with this discomfort issue. I should also mention that the sample size of this group is over 57,000 people. That’s a huge sample. In statistics, the rule is this - the larger your sample size the more confident you can be of your results. Needless to say, I am very confident of these results. So, as you can see, struggling with discomfort threatens your dream of healthy living and is a very common issue that many of you can identify with.

Dealing with the discomfort of change is all a part of the success formula. People who struggle to quit smoking offer another great example of the power of discomfort. When you stop smoking, your body and mind begin to demand nicotine. Those who fail to quit are those who cannot handle or accept the discomfort that drives them right back into the waiting arms of habit. Again, it’s one’s unwillingness to suffer through the discomfort that creates the failure. This is such an important point.

This is also a very common situation. There comes a point in the weight loss process where many people just don’t feel like they can continue any longer. In runner’s vernacular, you would say they hit the wall. This is, however, not a wall at all. It’s actually the proverbial fork in the road. This is where you either give up and return to old habits or get stronger and move forward. This is what I have referred to in other writings as the “impasse”.

As a practitioner, I have always identified with Gestalt psychotherapy. One of the basic tenants of gestalt theory is that one must take personal responsibility for one’s own life. Fritz Perls, who is the father of gestalt therapy, often rewrote ”responsibility” as “response-ability”. By this he meant that a basic given in life is that we all have the “ability” to personally “respond” - “response-ability”. Because the bottom line is this - only you can move you, only you can feel you, only you can live you and only you can change you. It is when you lose sight of this reality that you feel lost, hopeless and out of touch with your dream of healthy living.

So what’s the answer? Awareness of this issue will take you down the road apiece but successfully handling and working through the discomfort is the real answer. In other words, you have to learn to work through the discomfort and tough it out.

Years ago, when my son was small, I remember him taking a rather bad fall one day. I held him in my arms as he cried and, like most parents, wished I could take his pain away. As I held him, I told him the following. “Honey, sometimes there is nothing you can do but suffer through it”. I’ve repeated that phrase many more times to my children over the years.

Life can be pretty brutal at times. And there are few things that are more emotional than weight loss and lifestyle change. Particularly since the world around you seems to cave in every single time you decide to do something about your dream of losing weight. However, eating poorly and not exercising during stressful times is like throwing gas on a fire as it will definitely make matters worse. On the other hand, forcing yourself to walk the walk during troubled times will make you stronger, feel better, speed your weight loss and get you ever so much closer to that dream you have. I truly believe that.

The only way you can reach your goal is if YOU make it happen. You have the power here even though it may not feel like it. What you see as an inability to reach your dream and handle the discomfort of weight loss is really an unwillingness to do what it takes to make it happen. What you have in front of you at these times is an incredible opportunity to create honest, life-altering change. For it is in most difficult and most trying times that the opportunity for change presents itself. If you can perform the mental gymnastics necessary to see the possibility here, you can turn your discomfort into motivation and finally reach that dream of healthy living.

Wishing You Great Health,

Dr. John H. Sklare